As Valentine's Day approaches, it's a good time to discuss what love is and what exactly we mean when we say, “I Love You”. We tell family members and friends that we love them and, of course, significant others; we use the same word to convey very different meanings. Though the English language only has one word for love, we can turn to the Greeks to better define and, perhaps, better understand “what is love?”.
EROS
Delving right it to the juicy stuff we have Eros which refers to physical love, lust, sexual desire, and passion. Eros is the origin of the term erotic. This is love at first site; it is physical, emotional, and irrational. Because this form of love lacks a balance between passion and reason, it can be difficult to understand or explain. It is perhaps this lack of logic that makes this love so euphoric. This inability to comprehend Eros can lend it a hint of mystery, even making it seem spiritual at times. When caught up in a relationship based on Eros, emotions can run high. After all, it is fueled by emotion. Therefore, if things take a turn for the worse, the relationship can be just as inexplicably painfully. This love can be like a roller coaster, so hold on tight and enjoy the ride.
PRAGMA
Many times when we speak of or think about love, that forever kind of love, we are referring to Pragma. This is a 'mature' form of love, the opposite end of the spectrum from ludus and eros. Pragma relationships are built over time. This takes patience, compromise, and tolerance; it's pragmatic if you will. Any relationship based on eros, overtime will eventually evolve into pragma for the relationship to have any chance of lasting. The puppy love/falling in love feeling we get from Eros often fades quickly; lasting 18 months at the most. This can be the downfall of many relationships. When people lose the spark they felt in the beginning, they think that they have fallen out of love rather than coming to the realization that their love has simply shifted into a new more lasting and realistic form.
PHILLIA
The next type of love is Phillia. This love is based on friendship or more accurately deep friendship… as opposed to the hundreds and thousands on social media that we label as “friends” today. To the Greeks this type of love many times referred to soldiers in the battlefield. It was about strong camaraderie, loyalty, and sacrifice. Indeed, this form of love could even be taken to the point of laying down one's life for fellow brothers in arms. When you tell a friend you love them, keep that in mind, this is the level of commitment for those few truly dear friends we are lucky to have in our lives. And remember your friends when you “fall in love” and don't ignore them; after all they are the ones that will be there for you if things fall apart. They are your brothers and sisters in arms and they've got your back.
LUDUS
Love however, doesn't have to be so serious as gut wrenching pain or dying for a loved one, sometimes it can be more about fun. That brings us to the playful kind of love - Ludus. This is the form of love that we often experienced at a young age when we teased or pulled the hair of that classmate that we liked. The Greeks used this term to describe affection between children as well as young lovers. It's a more simplistic and, perhaps, more immature form of love, but don't we still wish things could go back to being less complicated. Perhaps it is that yearning to reconnect with our youth that we still experience ludus in adult life. A great example of this love can often be observed at bars or clubs. Hanging out and laughing over libations with friends at the bar falls under this category, as well as casual flirting or dancing.
AGAPE
The one form of Greek love that is probably most understood in western culture is Agape or universal love. This love is selfless. It's about having a foundation of love for everyone, including our parents, to friends, to lovers, to complete strangers. It means loving someone as a fellow human, including those we dislike. Agape is at its root about compassion, charity, and empathy. Now it can be difficult to truly live the life asked for by universal love. But keep in mind the better and more capable you are at being compassionate, charitable, and empathic… the better you will be at being a friend, child, parent, lover, and all around good person. Just be careful not to let people walk all over you and abuse your charity. Be sure to have some love for yourself, too.
PHILAUTIA
That brings us to the final form of love Philautia, love of the self. This type of love is all about you and it's important because it will have a direct impact on every other form of love in your life. There are two basic ways to love yourself. I'm not talking about the physical kind so get your mind out of the gutter. One type of love is negative and unhealthy - self-obsession. This end of the love-thy-self spectrum is narcissistic and will drive you to place yourself and your needs far above those of family members, friends, strangers, and even partners. Instead of give and take, it becomes more about the take and what's in it for you. It can be detrimental to those around you and may make it difficult for you to maintain close relationships in your life. On the other end of the spectrum, we have love for the self as a positive self-image. This is when you are comfortable with yourself and know your self-worth. It prevents us from staying in negative relationships when our partners or peers try to put us down, hurt, control, or use us. We've all heard the saying, “You can't love someone else until you can love yourself”. Perhaps it should be interpreted as, you can't love others positively, and to the best of your potential until you have self-respect and a healthy image of yourself and your own worth. So love yourself, just don't be too in love with yourself.
It's Greek To Me.
What is love? Love is Eros, Pragma, Phillia, Ludus, Agape, and Philautia. Love can be passionate, lustful, loyal, sacrificing, playful, compromising, patient, tolerant, selfless, charitable, empathetic, and compassionate. Love can have any of these traits, some of them, or all of the above. So the next time you say, “I Love You” keep in mind the variety of love that the Greeks understood. What is love?... Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.
